Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #15: Get Unstuck From Disagreements (Copy)
Disagreements are like quicksand. The more you struggle/argue, the deeper you sink. You might lose friends and group work breaks down if you keep arguing! By problem solving, you can make and keep friends, have more fun, and confidently rescue interactions. GET UNSTUCK FROM DISAGREEMENTS.
The image above tells a story about two kids who were UN-BENDY and INFLEXIBLE about wanting to do their very different ideas. Purple Friend shouted, “It’s got to be MY WAY!” Red Friend countered, “No, MY WAY!” Blinded by their argument, they fell into quicksand (or a mud puddle). The more they argued, the deeper they sank. They got stuck in the argument and stuck in the muck. Suddenly, before the worst happened, they realized that there were helpful objects nearby. Red exclaimed “Hey! WE’RE STUCK!”. Purple looked at the options around them. “HOW ABOUT IF I use the stick to drag the cell phone to me and I’ll call for help?!” Red offered, “Yeah, and HOW ABOUT IF I try to reach the vine and throw it to you so you can pull yourself and me out?!”
To cut an argument short, at least one person needs to recognize and point out that you’re arguing. Self-awareness is the beginning of working it out. Then, at least one of you needs to offer alternative options than what each side has been repeating. You can get out of the argument loop using this instant problem-solving script. If you want to GET UNSTUCK and back to fun, follow the following steps:
STEP 1: “WE’RE STUCK!” (awareness)
STEP 2: “HOW ABOUT WE _____[offer a new idea or 2 *]____?” (brainstorm alternate options)
* You can use other Art of Friendship skills, like compromise, BALANCE THE SCALES OF FUN, MIX YOUR IDEAS IN THE IDEA POT, suggest a “do-over”, decide to let it go and move on, or any other win-win option.
Reinforcement strategy 1: Ask your child, “How do you feel when you are stuck in an argument?” When should you say, “WE’RE STUCK!”? Encourage your child to say the words and offer a suggestion or two. Roleplay the GET UNSTUCK script with your child using examples of past arguments.
Reinforcement strategy 2: Let your child know that arguing with them is one of the worst parts of your day. Sometimes, the social skills learner has a hard time with self-awareness, and they can’t always turn it on, on command. For this reason, it is vital to model this technique for your student if/when you ever get into arguments with anyone at home. You should literally say the script: “WE’RE STUCK. I’m getting us UN-STUCK. [overemphasize] HOW ABOUT WE ________.” You can show your child that it’s useful for people of all ages!
ONWARD AND UPWARD! — Mike Fogel