Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #11: The Overscheduled Child
Here is an email question I received from a parent:
Parent: My son has swimming and basketball on Saturday, social skills groups with you on Tuesday, and a cooking class on Wednesdays. He always loved gymnastics and I would like to sign him up, but is that too many activities? How do I know how much is too much?
Mike: Good question! It is always good to assess whether your child is overscheduled. Today's parents are prone to overscheduling things because there are so many great and stimulating opportunities! You may see all the activities other children are doing via social media and wonder if your child is slacking or missing out.
Down time and free play are critical for a child's development. Time for their mind to rest or wander and to have some age-appropriate control over things (in play) is important. Free play is when and how children process their experiences and emotions. Additionally, if your child is navigating the challenging neurotypical social world all day at school, he may be fatigued. Neurodivergent children with social challenges often hold it together all day at school, with all its demands for transitions, flexibility, and socialization. After school, they often need quiet down time to rest and recharge.
There are no clear rules or guidelines about a tipping point in terms of what constitutes an overscheduled child. Without a set of published hard “rules”, let me suggest an arbitrary structure that protects free play opportunities while also giving your child a range of extracurricular experiences. Just for the sake of discussion, consider saving most days (4 out of 7) for free play, and restricting structured activities outside the home to 3 days per week. That number still may be too much for your child, and it is important to know your child’s endurance and not overextend.
Usually, the purposes of extracurricular activities include:
Exposing your child to new experiences to stimulate their developing mind and widen their awareness of what the world offers
Exploring a range of new potential interests over time that may become passions and contribute to their developing personality, identity, and future enriching hobbies or careers
Learning new helpful life skills such as swimming or cooking, among others
Socialization opportunities, building friendships, and developing a sense of belonging to a group or community
These are all nourishing opportunities for a child's growth. So, what’s the risk of overscheduling a child? Burnout. Fatigue. Loss of enjoyment of activities because they start to feel as though attendance is a job rather than a fun activity.
When children are fatigued or burn out, they may act out their feelings because they don't yet have the words to communicate how being overscheduled makes them feel. After all, these activities are supposed to be FUN. Also, your child may not want to let you down if they believe that you expect them to participate.
Here are a new key signs your child is overscheduled and burned out:
changes in eating or sleeping patterns (eating or sleeping more or less than usual)
irritability
easy to cry
arguing, debating you about unrelated issues
complaining that the activity is boring or "dumb", even though they used to like it
refusing to attend the activity
If your child is demonstrating changes such as these and they run to afterschool activities multiple days per week, I suggest that you sit down with your child and ask them how they feel about all the activities. Do they feel tired? Do they wish they had more time to relax at home? Is there one or more activity that they wouldn’t mind shedding?
I always remind parents that it is a long life, and there will be plenty of seasons for your child to try different activities to figure out what they love. Watch out for any external pressure or guilt this conversation may cause you! Many dutiful parents feel that they are not “doing their job” as a parent if you don’t maximize your child’s potential or keep up with what other families are doing. This comparative parenting is a destructive ride and I encourage you to jump off that merry-go-round. It stresses you and your child out!
Instead, individualize the activity menu for your child’s wiring and needs. How much energy do they have? How much social endurance do they possess after the school day? Which activities to they prefer? How do they feel and behave after each activity? Is their behavior and self-regulation worse towards the end of the week?
Eventually, after being exposed to a range of athletic, creative, and other activities your child may gravitate toward and request certain activities. There is a good chance they will find like-minded children to befriend if they are in activities they love. This is a great goal! In the short term, I suggest limiting extracurricular activities to no more than three days per week, and assess how your does and feels from there.
Onward & Upward! —Mike